Don't Blame the 'Gators
Last week, there were three tragic deaths in Florida. It appears that the responsible parties are alligators. All of the victims are women. The attacks have caused an outcry by Floridians and interest nationwide.
While the exact causes for the attacks are not known, it should be obvious to any reasonable person that these women invaded that domain of the alligators and provoked the attacks. "As the weather heats up, the alligators' metabolism increases and they have to eat more," Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Willie Puz said Sunday. "They might be moving more, but that just shouldn't mean increased alligator attacks." This is also the time of year that alligators are on the move more and looking for mates.
Did these women interrupt the ‘gators search for a mate? Or where they simply at the wrong place at the wrong time? It is speculated that millennia of encroachment by humans and the resultant species extinction have caused the animal kingdom to rise up in rebellion. “Humans have done reprehensible things and are responsible in some way” one noted actress opined. “It is important that we examine the root causes of the attacks.”
As authorities began to search for the perpetrators, a spokesman released the following statement: “Although we are certain that these attacks were carried out by alligators, we will not engage in the harmful practice of profiling. We will randomly observe all animals and attempt to verify by x-ray whether or not they may have consumed humans. These alligators are not bad; they are just reacting to humans who have overtaken their habitat. We have forced them to lash out and it is important that we understand their plight.”
To date there have been no more confirmed reports of attacks from within the animal kingdom. There was an unconfirmed report of an ill-tempered sea bass attacking a guard at the Virtucon Inc. facility but no verification has been made. Steve Irwin was unavailable for comment but is rumored to have said, “Crikey!” when informed last night.
While the exact causes for the attacks are not known, it should be obvious to any reasonable person that these women invaded that domain of the alligators and provoked the attacks. "As the weather heats up, the alligators' metabolism increases and they have to eat more," Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Willie Puz said Sunday. "They might be moving more, but that just shouldn't mean increased alligator attacks." This is also the time of year that alligators are on the move more and looking for mates.
Did these women interrupt the ‘gators search for a mate? Or where they simply at the wrong place at the wrong time? It is speculated that millennia of encroachment by humans and the resultant species extinction have caused the animal kingdom to rise up in rebellion. “Humans have done reprehensible things and are responsible in some way” one noted actress opined. “It is important that we examine the root causes of the attacks.”
As authorities began to search for the perpetrators, a spokesman released the following statement: “Although we are certain that these attacks were carried out by alligators, we will not engage in the harmful practice of profiling. We will randomly observe all animals and attempt to verify by x-ray whether or not they may have consumed humans. These alligators are not bad; they are just reacting to humans who have overtaken their habitat. We have forced them to lash out and it is important that we understand their plight.”
To date there have been no more confirmed reports of attacks from within the animal kingdom. There was an unconfirmed report of an ill-tempered sea bass attacking a guard at the Virtucon Inc. facility but no verification has been made. Steve Irwin was unavailable for comment but is rumored to have said, “Crikey!” when informed last night.
Labels: You've Got To Be Kidding Me
posted by Moneyman at 7:53 AM
3 Comments:
Well done, you played the straight man for a while there before letting loose. Everyone knows that aligators are terrorists anyway. Let's pave the everglades. Talk about draining the swamp!
What a great site, how do you build such a cool site, its excellent.
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I love your website. It has a lot of great pictures and is very informative.
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