Will Sheryl Crow Ever Get Another Date?

Will Sheryl Crow ever get another date? I admit that I’m not exactly up to speed on Hollywood relationships but does this explain why Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow split up? This has been out there for about a week but it just won’t go away. Sheryl “I’m not skanky” Crow has proposed using just one square of toilet paper when using the bathroom.

There was no immediate clarification if this was using two-ply or if you have to separate the squares. I also don’t know how to factor in quilted paper. This is essentially two-ply pressed together by a pattern. Is using quilted cheating? If your finger penetrates the square are you allowed to use paper towels to dry your hands after you wash them? If I plant a tree can I count the carbon and toilet paper offset?

It is evident that Ms. Crow hasn’t thought this thing out. Actually, it looks like she doesn’t spend much time in thought at all. Perhaps her imagination was chemically induced. I don’t know. One thing I do know, if I ever get the opportunity to be around Sheryl Crow I’m going to stand upwind.

We're Not France

I have a solution for this. Get a job that doesn’t offer the opportunity to touch pork, pork products, pork shoulder, or ham. I can appreciate that a person may have immigrated to this country from rough circumstances. I even acknowledge their right, at least in this country, to practice what I consider a contemptible religion. But I cannot and will not conform to those idiosyncratic beliefs as the Minnesota Islamic Center Spokesman suggested. I have chosen not to be employed in a field that would violate my beliefs and I am insulted that they would demand that I capitulate to their warped world view. My suggestion? Get a new job or return to your country of origin. As for me, I just bought a pork skin wallet.

Oh Boo Hoo

The Mexican congress is in a tizzy because some construction workers wandered 10 yards into Mexico. Those construction workers were building a fence to keep Mexican citizens from illegally crossing the border. YGBSM. I don’t know if I’m angry or amused. Yes I do. I’m pissed.

Let’s say that you and I are neighbors. My driveway has a bunch of potholes in it so every night I park my car on your smooth concrete driveway. You don’t like it so you call the cops. They make me return my car back to my property but tomorrow night I’m going to do it again. The cops only catch me about 1 out of every 100 times. Finally one day you’ve had enough and you build a fence to keep me out of your yard. What do I do? I sue you. You see my great-great-great-grandfather owned the land that your house is built on. I know that your great-great-great-grandfather bought the land but down deep, I claim it as my birthright.

That’s what is going on with Mexico. The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo established what is now the southwestern border of the United States. The Treaty of Velasco had established the southern (and at the time western) border of Texas as the Rio Grande. Both countries now recognized the border from El Paso to the Pacific. We bought New Mexico (and what is now Arizona) and California for $15,000,000 after realtor fees, closing costs, and points. I know, we over paid.

Now Mexico can’t seem to figure out that we’ve kicked their butts twice, bought the entire southwestern United States, and were gracious enough to give them back their country that we had just conquered. That’s right, we had conquered the entire country and occupied Mexico City. I bet that they didn’t teach you that in California public school did they? Anyway, now they have invaded our country once again. This time by illegal immigration. I just returned from a shopping trip after church. I stopped at Lowe’s and witnessed a tiling demonstration in Spanish. Then we went across the street to Walmart (God’s gift to America) and got stuck in line as the cashier had to get a translator to explain that the person’s check would not approve. Finally, I had to stop at the auto parts store and was subjected to 10 minutes of car maintenance videos in Spanish as I waited in line. It is beyond the realm of comprehension that all of this has been put in place for US citizens.

So we’re building a fence to enforce our internationally recognized legal border. Some of the workers stepped into their country. It’s not like they were making an armed incursion to deliver drugs. The Mexican congress can untie the knot from their collective panties and use them as a suppository.

If it Sounds Too Good to Be True, It Probably Is

My dad is a Baptist pastor. When Jehovah’s Witnesses would come to our door, he would great them eagerly. Invariably one of them would introduce themselves, state that he was a student of the Bible and ask if they could come in and talk for a bit. Dad would get excited and proclaim, “Praise the Lord! I’ve been waiting for you all day.” JW: “What do you mean?” or “You have, why?” Dad: “I read this morning to beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing and you’ve finally gotten here!”

Former Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He is playing a typical Democrat shell game straight from their fascist playbook. In what seems innocent and a good idea on the surface, he is laying the groundwork to confiscate legal firearms from law-abiding citizens. Here is the excerpt from the Washington Times:

D.C. Council member Marion Barry yesterday introduced legislation that would suspend the District's 30-year ban on handguns, providing gun owners a 90-day period to register weapons they would then be allowed to legally own. "We are in the midst of a gun-violence epidemic," said Mr. Barry, Ward 8 Democrat. "We need to see gun violence as an emergency in the District of Columbia." Mr. Barry's bill, which only applies to pistols, would allow D.C. residents with no criminal record to register guns for 90 days from the law's enactment. After the 90-day period, current gun restrictions would be reinstated.

While this sounds like a plan for amnesty of otherwise law abiding gun owners, Councilman Berry’s intentions are demonstrated further down in the article.

Mr. Barry, who served four terms as D.C. mayor, also referenced the recent shooting deaths of D.C. teenagers Cynthia Gray and Taleshia Ford, both 17, in urging support for the measure. "We all get outraged ... and we all go home," Mr. Barry said. "Nothing is done to get the guns off the streets of Washington, D.C."

But Washington D.C. is doing quite a bit to get guns off of the streets.

The District has some of the toughest gun laws in the nation and restricts ownership of most guns that were not registered before 1977. Privately owned rifles and shotguns must be kept at home and stored unloaded, disassembled or bound by a trigger lock or a similar device. Mr. Barry's proposal would increase the penalties for possessing an unregistered weapon in the District from a maximum of one year in prison and a $1,000 fine to 15 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. A second offense could result in 30 years in prison and a $20,000 fine, according to the bill. Mr. Barry, who was robbed at gunpoint in his Southeast apartment in January 2006, cited statistics that said police had confiscated 2,656 guns last year, with 51 percent of those weapons being seized east of the Anacostia River. A recent Metropolitan Police Department report on homicides from 2001 to 2005 states that 901 of 1,126 homicide victims, or about 80 percent, were fatally shot.

Obviously the egregious assault on the second amendment in the district has done absolutely nothing to curb the impulses of the violent debased in Washington D.C. Criminals know that the odds are in their favor that their victims will be unarmed. The reason that so many of the murders in D.C. are by gun is that honest citizens are abiding by the law and cannot defend themselves.

Kennesaw, GA passed a law in 1982 requiring gun ownership of its residents with some exemptions. Burglaries dropped 90%. Read that again…90%. Twenty years later, there was not one murder in Kennesaw. None. No fatal accidents, no outraged redneck neighbors having shootouts in the streets of their mobile home parks. No country clubbers shooting the poor for fun. Nothing of the sort. That has been the pattern for the entire period of the law.

Convicted felon and druggie Marion Barry wants guns off of the streets and out of homes. Once the guns are registered he will know exactly which homes to disarm so that the criminals can operate with further impunity. Washington D.C. needs to take a lesson from Kennesaw, GA. Arm your citizens legally and your crime will drop. Maybe Mr. Barry is more interested in helping his criminal buddies than the honest citizens he pretends to serve.

Come On In and Vote

The federal voting assistance program kicked off this week and the motivational posters are starting to show up in government buildings. This is the one that is right around the corner from my office.

Maybe I have a warped mind or maybe I'm just too sensitive but given the current climate in this country regarding illegal immigration, am I the only one that thinks that this is inappropriate? Just in case some of my fellow blondes (yes what I have left is blonde) don't get it, the poster indicates that regardless of which side of the border you are on, your responsibility is to vote in American elections.

I'm sorry, but I don't want my vote, which is very precious, to be diluted by the votes of non US citizens. We have a hard enough time trying to keep dead people from voting. Is the next thing we see boxes of absentee ballots at the water stations in the Arizona desert? Maybe the minutemen can pass them out as they find groups of illegal crossers.

But let's not limit ourselves to the southern border. We can print ballots in french and send them to our northern neighbors in Montreal too. We wouldn't even have to print anything special to send to most of Canada. Sheesh!

Lay Down and be Buried Already

Foxnews had a story today about a Malaysian man that the state declared dead 4 1/2 years ago that is still upright and breathing very well thank you. Bureaucracy at its finest. But the story got me to thinking, how many more people out there are walking around that don't know that they are dead. I've composed a short list of the top ten likely candidates.

10. Keith Richards - Keith actually died about 10 years ago but his body is so medicated that it may take another 20 years for it to stop functioning.

9. James Carville - I know that his body puts up a good front with his energetic appearances on TV. But if you look closely you can see that he is actually just a skeleton covered with skin.

8. Keith Olbermann - If you examine the currency of his ideas, Olbermann's brain stopped functioning shortly after he left ESPN. It's just a matter of time until the rest of the body gives up the fight. Sad.

7. Larry King - Another example of a dead ideology. His 1980's wardrobe suggests that Larry may have kicked the bucket a right after Mork and Mindy went off of the air.

6. Michael Moore - I'm not sure when Moore died. Excess deposits of energy are sufficient to sustain the appearance of life for 15-20 years or more. Main deposits appear to be around the waist and between the ears. We can probably expect 3-4 more movies with no basis in fact.

5. Dan Rather - Dan died a very public death at CBS. The hiring of a "perky" host suggests that the bigs at the tiffany network thought that Dan was dead long before he was moved out. It looked like he had been resuscitated at 60 minutes II but he died there too. He now has a rare opportunity to die again at HDNet.

4. John Murtha - The ex-Marine died shortly after his Viet Nam service. He has now been possessed and inhabited by an idiotic slave to the Democratic Party. It may take an exorcism for the body to give up its ghost.

3. Nancy Pelosi - Nancy died some time ago on a plastic surgeon's operating table. He tried to cover up his malfeasance by surgically forcing her eyes to stay open. Unfortunately this does not prevent her ideas from sounding like they were the final words of a dying zombie.

2. Al Gore - Gore is technically not dead yet. Global warming has caused selected parts, primarily cognitive, of Al's brain to die. His political career died in Dade County, Florida in 2000. It's just a matter of time for the rest of the brain to die and the body to soon follow suit.

1. Helen Thomas - Helen's relevancy died decades ago and it appears that decomposition has set in. Minions follow her around with a lily and a soft pillow.

There you go. Are there more?

But Dude, I’ve Got A Note From My Doctor!

It seems that there is an uproar at San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf. There’s a medical marijuana dispensary going in and some of the other businesses don’t like it. It sounds like a classy joint – the place that is, not the product. It’s going to have black walls, cool lights, jazz music and 55 varieties of dope...uhmm...grass...aahh...weed, I mean medicine, displayed in a glass case displayed under green neon lights.

That sounds like a pretty cool place but I did have a few questions:

Do they grow their own or do they buy the 55 varieties?

Where do they buy it?

Can they import from Alaska and Hawaii?

I hear that some of the weed is confiscated from drug busts. Can they verify the authenticity?

If smoking is allowed on the premises, can you BYOB (bring your own bong)?

Will a note from Debbie Frisch work?

Is she a customer?

Does this explain why the Golden State Warriors stink?

Does Gray Davis work here?

Can we get Howard Dean an appointment to mellow him out?

Is there anyone at all in San Francisco with any morals?

I didn’t think so.

Oh Grow Up!

Last night Moneyspender rented "Failure to Launch." I watched it with her to try and score points for watching a chick flick. Besides, there was a warning for brief nudity. NOTE: There should always be a disclaimer stating whose nudity. Terry Bradshaw in the buff was an image that I didn't care to have.

I always like the extras included on DVD's and I find some of them more entertaining than the movie itself. In the special features section, there was a bit about the "Failure to Launch" phenomenon. Curiosity won out because I hadn't heard of the cult following of this movie. I sat and watched twenty minutes of freeloading, lazy, Peter Pan types who refuse to move out of their parent's houses. You have got to be kidding me.

At least one guy was honest. He said that he had a roof provided for him, his meals prepared and his laundry done for him too. Why should he move out? Indeed! Throw the 36 year old teenager out on his freeloading can. He owns his own business he should look into owning his own home. Two other sloths, ages 32 and 38, were using similar excuses. "It's very expensive to live in San Francisco." "If I got my own place, I couldn't afford to do all of the things that I like to do." No kidding. Hey moron, welcome to the real world. Now grow up!

The most priceless part was the interviews with the parents. They were actually justifying their sons lack of responsibility by regurgitating the same lame excuses of their bum sons. Apparently Neverland does exist. It is somewhere near the San Francisco bay area. It is interesting that all 3 of these Lameos were in the bay area. Draw your own conclusions on that one.

Moneyspender and I have been grooming our kids since they could talk. "When you are eighteen, we still love you but you gotta go. What kind of luggage would you like for your eighteenth birthday? You need to get a job now so that you can pay your rent when you move out" (We waited until they were 16 for that one. We aren't completely heartless). It isn't cruel, it is responsible. Teaching your children self-reliance is the only way to break the dependency class. The destruction of the welfare state begins at home.

Moneyman

Don't Blame the 'Gators

Last week, there were three tragic deaths in Florida. It appears that the responsible parties are alligators. All of the victims are women. The attacks have caused an outcry by Floridians and interest nationwide.

While the exact causes for the attacks are not known, it should be obvious to any reasonable person that these women invaded that domain of the alligators and provoked the attacks. "As the weather heats up, the alligators' metabolism increases and they have to eat more," Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Willie Puz said Sunday. "They might be moving more, but that just shouldn't mean increased alligator attacks." This is also the time of year that alligators are on the move more and looking for mates.

Did these women interrupt the ‘gators search for a mate? Or where they simply at the wrong place at the wrong time? It is speculated that millennia of encroachment by humans and the resultant species extinction have caused the animal kingdom to rise up in rebellion. “Humans have done reprehensible things and are responsible in some way” one noted actress opined. “It is important that we examine the root causes of the attacks.”

As authorities began to search for the perpetrators, a spokesman released the following statement: “Although we are certain that these attacks were carried out by alligators, we will not engage in the harmful practice of profiling. We will randomly observe all animals and attempt to verify by x-ray whether or not they may have consumed humans. These alligators are not bad; they are just reacting to humans who have overtaken their habitat. We have forced them to lash out and it is important that we understand their plight.”

To date there have been no more confirmed reports of attacks from within the animal kingdom. There was an unconfirmed report of an ill-tempered sea bass attacking a guard at the Virtucon Inc. facility but no verification has been made. Steve Irwin was unavailable for comment but is rumored to have said, “Crikey!” when informed last night.