A Little Help for the CIA

Finally, the pompous crowing from the cocks of the Senate has ended and they have agreed to a bill defining interrogation methods. It’s a good thing that congress is doing this and not me. I would probably allow anything short of killing the murderous Islamonuts and get in lots of trouble.

But I noticed that there wasn’t a whole lot of specificity what was made public about the bill. Maybe we could draw on someone else’s expertise and define what should be allowed. I say that we take a couple of ideas from Joe Arpaio, the great sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona. A while back I posted ways that I think would be effective in questioning terrorists. Here’s what I bet Joe would do:

Take away all cultural headwear. A hat without a brim serves no purpose anyway.

Enforce the two showers per day rule. Administered by the Gitmo Fire Department.

Change jumpsuit color from orange to pink. Orange doesn’t show enough sensitivity.

Insert a page at the end of each chapter in their government-issued Korans with a drawing of Jesus’ likeness with the caption “The real Son of the Real God”

Fix all of the TVs to only show the Lifetime network

Have the guards wear “I had your virgins last night” t-shirts

Cook all meals in bacon grease. If they get hungry enough, they will eat.

Have questioners pick their nose and wipe it on the terrorists during questioning

Make them read cat-blogging

Play looped Wham! Music

Show them pictures of Barbara Streisand (ewwwwww)

Make them write the transcripts to Ted Kennedy’s speeches

Give the terrorists a “beef stew”

Bring in Janet Reno to let them know that she is a virgin

Maybe we could just bring in Joe Arpaio as grand inquisitor

Any other ideas?