New Medical Crisis: Obanity

This is an urgent message about a huge medical crisis that is spreading across our country. This is a new mental illness that threatens the very foundation of our country. The symptoms are pretty much the same: a visceral hatred of G.W. Bush, an unfounded loathing of Sarah Palin, or an ignorant acceptance of the left wing media mantra of the Obama worship.

Yes, I've heard about all of the conspiracy theories on both sides. But there is a wide-spread ignorance of what and who Barack Obama is. I don't mean a lack of knowledge, although there is plenty of that. No, as more comes to light about Obama and his true past, not the covered-up, manufactured, Manchurian candidate that MSM feeds us, people are choosing to IGNORE the facts about this unqualified, leftist, radical, puppet of the financiers of the socialist agenda. I call this "Obanity".

When voting records are examined of Obama's vote for infanticide, the victims of Obanity say that is only a technicality. When his work with, for, and organizing the radical group ACORN is verified, the victims of Obanity claim that is just a right-wing smear (they have quit arguing that it isn't true because it's be proven over and over). When his voting record in the Illinois state senate is examined, where he voted"present" 129 times, the victims of Obanity say that he's nuanced, kinda like John Kerry. When graduates of high school argue that Obama's math doesn't add up in his tax policy, the victims of Obanity cry racism. When his big government ideology falls right in line with his membership in the Socialist New Party of Illinois, the victims of Obanity scream, "San Dimas football rocks!"

Please help stamp out Obanity by intervention. If you hear someone who is afflicted with Obanity spouting the stupidity of this disease, the immediate cure is to walk up to them and slap them on the left cheek. If they continue to regurgitate the socialist screed a second application of the antidote may be required.

Please do not hate these people. They are the tragic victims of a horrible disease. Please apply the antidote in a loving, caring, and firm manner and help eradicate this American tragedy before it's too late.

Tomorrow - Two Months Later

Okay. It's been two months since I said that I would update on London tomorrow. I was busy. I'm sure that the casual reader will get over it. I really want to get back to political commentary but I feel it necessary to complete this first.

We finally got on the bus and began our tour of London. The only complaint about the bus tour is that you usually notice something that you would like to explore as you drive past and it is too late to get off of the bus and check it out. In a remarkable moment of clarity, I asked several people what they would make sure that they saw if they only had one day to spend in London. Every one of them said that we should see the Tower of London, without a doubt. So as we looked at the bus map, we were a little leery of spending too much time in the morning on different things because we didn't want to miss the Tower.

We saw Kensington Palace, St. Paul's, Madame Tussaud's, and we came upon the National Gallery and Trafalgar Square. Actually an unusual statue caught our eye and we had to learn more about it. It was the Alison Lapper statue. We took pictures of it and the family in and around all of the statuary. Some came out really nice and we were glad that we stopped.

We then had lunch at the great British staple, McDonald's. We ordered the standard fare that we normally get in the states. Over here it costs around $20.00. There it cost 28 pounds. That's $56.00 American! This ended up being one of the least expensive meals we had on the local economy. The locals don't really make that much differently from us so it is hugely expensive for them. That's why there is such disparity between the haves and have-nots. It's good to be an American.

We got back on the bus and saw Big Ben and Parliament, the big ferris wheel for the millennium celebration, and Downing street. The street is blocked off and guarded 24-7 by British troops. All of the stuff you see on the news of the British PM coming out of #10 and walking down the street is a staged event for the press. They are the only ones allowed down there. Makes you feel confident of the realism of your newscasts doesn't it?

It was just past the horse guards that a group of four middle-eastern men and two women got on the bus. We were approaching Parliament and I was frankly nervous. Yep, it's profiling but I don't really care. I was watching them closely and since we were on an open-top bus, I figured that if Abdul decided to do anything out of the ordinary, he would get a flying lesson. I didn't know if I would see them do anything or not but if I did, I was going to be ready. My paranoia proved to be unfounded but I don't apologize for it. When southern rednecks start blowing up buses and planes (this doesn't count the broken down ones in their front yards) then I'll start profiling them. Meanwhile, it's middle-eastern men.

We crossed the Thames over London bridge. For those of you who haven't been to London, it's not the one that you are thinking of. It's a normal bridge like many others in the city. The one that most people think of is the Tower Bridge. We crossed that one too. Finally we arrived at the Tower of London.

The Tower is actually the ancient castle of the monarchy from the time of Edward II. We saw his bedroom and some artifacts. The Scotsman in us wanted to wretch but we contained ourselves, almost. My younger son apparently developed a problem with flatulence over lunch. He chose the bedroom to release his most vile byproduct and it cleared the room for a good fifteen minutes. Mom was embarrassed almost to the point of tears. That or it was the fumes. I was so proud of him!

We continued to explore the old castle and grounds. We saw the armors and standards of the kings and wooden likenesses of their mounts. These were life-size models of the horses. It was pretty impressive. Henry VIII apparently had one part of his anatomy that he really wanted to protect. Given his ego, I bet he had a hard time filling up that portion of his armor. Then we made our was in to see the crown jewels.

I don't know if I've seen more spectacular jewels anywhere. They were beautiful, impressive, and perfect. It really did emphasize the richness of the empire. Overall, the tower was the highlight of the tour and I'm glad we made it the focal point of our visit to London.

We got back on the bus and started back toward Victoria Station. We got off at Buckingham Palace to take pictures. It was here that Brenda lost our receipt which served as the ticket to the bus tour. Since we couldn't get back on, we had to walk the last mile to the station. The kids complained but they were politely ignored. I initially started us out in the wrong direction but we eventually got going the right way. We passed in back of Buckingham and I thought that there was someone in London that would be right at home in New Mexico. The back of the palace was full of junk and trash from an ongoing renovation. It looked a lot like the back yards of some houses around here. There's a redneck in charge there, I know it.

We at last got to the bus station and exchanged our tickets for earlier ones to Stanstedt. When we got there we learned that smart travelers plan their vacations and make hotel reservations. We aren't that smart so we got to spend the night on hard plastic chairs in the airport. Finally the next morning, we got on the first plane available to Glasgow. At last, we were headed to Scotland.

In England

We arrived at Mildenhall AFB and began the theme of our vacation. It was to find a place to stay while we waited on flights. Flying space-A, you can't make too many specific plans. That means reservations. We tried to get into lodging on the base but it was full. I then called the 20 hotels listed within 20 miles and they were all full. It seems that there were four weddings that weekend and they had booked all of the hotels.

Finally the clerk at lodging called Lakenheath and got us a room. It was awesome. It was so new it still smelled show room fresh. We got to spend two nights there until our flight to Scotland. We spent Sunday lounging around and met up with a friend of mine from Korea and her husband. We tried to go into town but it was deserted. Mildenhall was a small (less than 500 residents) village about 5 miles and a 10 pounds taxi ride from the base. It dates to the time of the Norman conquest and has a very old church. Some of the dates in the church graveyard are from the 16th century. It's kind of weird being in a place that predates the discovery of America.

The taxis are interesting to ride in. First to be in the left front seat with no steering wheel takes some getting used to. Then the roads are much narrower than in the US and the drivers all seem to have a desire to be Jackie Stewart. On Monday we went to London to be typical American tourists. That's next.

The New Hogzilla

Jamison Stone, an 11 year old Alabama young man, took what may be the biggest feral hog ever. His dad has put up a website to properly honor this great achievement. Check out his site. This is the kind of adolescent that we want growing into the leaders of our country.

His dad also has been kind enough to post all of the negative comments. The ignorance of some people is astounding. They are the kind of people that go to Alaska and end up being chew toys for those cute and cuddly brown bears.

Will Sheryl Crow Ever Get Another Date?

Will Sheryl Crow ever get another date? I admit that I’m not exactly up to speed on Hollywood relationships but does this explain why Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow split up? This has been out there for about a week but it just won’t go away. Sheryl “I’m not skanky” Crow has proposed using just one square of toilet paper when using the bathroom.

There was no immediate clarification if this was using two-ply or if you have to separate the squares. I also don’t know how to factor in quilted paper. This is essentially two-ply pressed together by a pattern. Is using quilted cheating? If your finger penetrates the square are you allowed to use paper towels to dry your hands after you wash them? If I plant a tree can I count the carbon and toilet paper offset?

It is evident that Ms. Crow hasn’t thought this thing out. Actually, it looks like she doesn’t spend much time in thought at all. Perhaps her imagination was chemically induced. I don’t know. One thing I do know, if I ever get the opportunity to be around Sheryl Crow I’m going to stand upwind.

Does Anyone Know How to Operate an Extinguisher?

You see these things and just shake your head. I don’t think I could have given the robber any money. I would have been on the floor laughing too hard. I guess the concealed carry laws in Alaska don’t cover extinguishers. All that this story needed was to have another teller pop up with a spritzer bottle and put it out.

This reminds me of a story of a guy who robbed a bank in Anchorage back in the early 90’s. His name was Steve. I only remember him because I knew the guy. Steve was a parolee from Florida with a thing for guns. He tried to get me to go along with some of his hair-brained (read: illegal) money-making schemes. He even tried to blackmail my career to get at me. Finally I managed to convince him that I didn’t want anything to do with him and he left me alone.

A few months later, I saw his name in the paper. Apparently he was the getaway driver for a stickup at one of the local banks. They weren’t smart enough (but you knew that already didn’t you?) to pick a bank on a road that directly led to the highway. Nope, they picked one in a shopping center that only had two exits from the parking lot. The brain surgeon of the pair went it to demand the money. Alas, he forgot to pull the stocking over his face. He had it on but it was pushed up on his forehead. At last he got the money and ran out to jump in the car with Steve.

They sped away from the bank only to get stuck in traffic a few hundred feet later; at a stoplight. They also didn’t notice the police substation about three doors down from the bank. The cops didn’t even bother to chase them in cars. They ran after the getaway car and caught up to it at the stoplight. Our hero jumped out of the car screaming “DON’T SHOOT ME!!” as he fell to the ground and put his hands behind his back. It might have been the easiest bust ever for the Anchorage cops.

Alaska needs a better breed of bank robber.

I did see Steve one last time. We were at the airport to pick up relatives and he was in cuffs escorted by the FBI. It seems that bank robbing violated his parole conditions. Justice is so sweet.

She Was NAVY

Didn’t they do this on revenge of the nerds? Louis Skolnick beds Betty Childs on the moon, remember? Stan Gable would be the third leg of the triangle. But the truth is far stranger than fiction.

It seems that a female NAVY Captain had the hots for a NAVY Commander. For you Army folks, that’s a female Colonel and male Lt Colonel. The fly in the ointment seemed to be an Air Force Captain whom the Commander had the hots for. Air Force Captains are actual Captains, not some sissified made up rank like the Navy. Anyway, the NAVY Captain decides to pull rank on this Air Force Captain and drives 900 miles to do it. She didn’t stop for restrooms, she wore a diaper. When she got there, she found the Air Force Captain and threatened her with a BB gun and pepper spray. Apparently the NAVY isn’t very high on real guns.

Air Force Captain calls the cops and the rest is NAVY history. You can’t make this stuff up. Oh yeah, the NAVY Captain and Commander are astronauts. I guess that those background investigations aren’t so in-depth after all.

Sorry to my NAVY buddies for poking you in the eye a little but this was way too easy.

Do Something About It Mr. Poofy Head

The NORKs are miffed that the world is miffed at them for their baby nukes. I wonder if Kim Jong Il is embarrassed when he's in the nuclear power locker room and the other boys whip their's out? I mean his is only 1/15th of the size of the US's baby nukes in 1945.

Kim: "I now nucrear power! I brow you up with my nucrear missire!"

Bush: "Easy there big boy. You don't want to hurt yourself with that thing."

Putin: "Do you need to borrow my magnifying glass to see the 'GO' button?"

(hee, hee, hee)

Kim: "Stop raughing at me! You sanctions an act war! You decrare war!"

(HAW, HAW, HAW, HEE, HEE, HEE, HAW, HAW HAW)

Bush: "Your funny Kim. Does Don King do your hair?"

Putin: "Hey Kimmy, Elton John called and he wants his glasses back."

HAWWW HAWWW HAWW HAWWW, OH NO, HEE HEE, HO HO HO

Kim: "You rear funny."

A Little Help for the CIA

Finally, the pompous crowing from the cocks of the Senate has ended and they have agreed to a bill defining interrogation methods. It’s a good thing that congress is doing this and not me. I would probably allow anything short of killing the murderous Islamonuts and get in lots of trouble.

But I noticed that there wasn’t a whole lot of specificity what was made public about the bill. Maybe we could draw on someone else’s expertise and define what should be allowed. I say that we take a couple of ideas from Joe Arpaio, the great sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona. A while back I posted ways that I think would be effective in questioning terrorists. Here’s what I bet Joe would do:

Take away all cultural headwear. A hat without a brim serves no purpose anyway.

Enforce the two showers per day rule. Administered by the Gitmo Fire Department.

Change jumpsuit color from orange to pink. Orange doesn’t show enough sensitivity.

Insert a page at the end of each chapter in their government-issued Korans with a drawing of Jesus’ likeness with the caption “The real Son of the Real God”

Fix all of the TVs to only show the Lifetime network

Have the guards wear “I had your virgins last night” t-shirts

Cook all meals in bacon grease. If they get hungry enough, they will eat.

Have questioners pick their nose and wipe it on the terrorists during questioning

Make them read cat-blogging

Play looped Wham! Music

Show them pictures of Barbara Streisand (ewwwwww)

Make them write the transcripts to Ted Kennedy’s speeches

Give the terrorists a “beef stew”

Bring in Janet Reno to let them know that she is a virgin

Maybe we could just bring in Joe Arpaio as grand inquisitor

Any other ideas?

I Agree with Bolton

The blogshpere has erupted over the Chavez speech. Ambassador Bolton was correct. We don't need to respond to this comic strip dictator. Or his butt monkey Amanutjob.


The lovely SarahK has called for a boycott of Venezuelan owned Citgo. Here are some other things that we could do:

We switch the shampoo in his courtesy hotel bottles to Preparation H

Send Pee Wee Herman to his next speech and whenever Chavez pauses he yells "I know you are but what am I?"

Everytime he says "my country" in a speech, we have Donny Osmond jump up and sing "And I'm a little bit rock and roll."

Have the CIA paint cartoons of Muhammad on the side of the Venezuelan Presidential Palace.

We deport Norm Chomsky to Venezuela

Start filming "The View" in Caracas

Hook him up with Rosie O'Donnell

Squirt him in the crotch with water pistols at his next televised speech

Lock him in a room with Terrell Owens for a couple of weeks

Change the translation of all his speeches: " I love America. George Bush is Hot! I just farted on Noam Chomsky's book. Doesn't the president of Iran look like an advertisement for evolution or what? I used to have really bad acne until I tried Acne Statin. I'm just a two bit dictator. Fat chicks rule!"

Laugh at him.

Science Proves Widely Held Truth - Men Are Smarter

Drudge linked today to this article that demonstrates that the fairer sex is not necessarily the more intelligent sex. While I know that I married an exception to the rule, I am amazed that women have limited abilities and are barely able to function at all without assistance.

Most women have to rely on trickery and deceit to achieve anything of consequence. For example, a women gets pulled over for speeding. What's the first thing that she does? She starts crying. If she has the equipment for it, she may even unbutton an extra button on her blouse. I'm not saying that the methods work. I'm just sharing the method.

Think back to when you were young. You knew that asparagus would make you gag and your butt pucker. But your mother would say something like, "Just try it one more time. You may find out that you like it." Spending the rest of the night with dry heaves meant nothing to her. She was able to get rid of an undesireable vegetable.

Men don't get off free however. We may have more intelligence but we don't seem to be too effective in using it when we fall to these obvious schemes. I mean if a women even hints that sex may be a reward, most men will take out the trash, pick up their underwear, and even wash the dog. Dishes will pile up in the sink for weeks. Let the little lady wink at you and say, "You might get lucky if I get these dishes finished" and guys will be hiding dishes in the oven, under the couch, even in the fireplace. Animals.

But if your kid has a homework problem, who does he come to? Dad. If it is something simple like applying a band-aid, he goes to Mom. It's the natural order. I just have one observation, If Hillary is the smartest woman in the world, is that anything to brag about?

I am so lucky that my wife doesn't read this blog.

Now That's Torture

The NYT reported yesterday that the CIA stripped Abu Zabaydah naked and used blaring Red Hot Chili Peppers music to coerce information from him. Information that led to the arrest of Kalid Sheikh Muhammad. Personally I think a lot more effective means could have been used. Here are some of my ideas:

Use anything by Barry Manilow. 24 hours of Mandy will have the subject screaming to confess

Play Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night" and keep sending big hairy bubbas into his cell to leer at him, smile, and then leave

Play all of the "Sweatin to the Oldies" series

Play the Godfather theme until he believes that he is going to join Luca Brazzi

Bring in Christopher Lowell to redecorate his cell

Play any song recorded by William Shatner. It will only take one

Use David Hasselhof's "Looking for Some Freedom"

Loop endless reruns of "The Osbornes." Then make him write down two complete sentences that Ozzy used

Play Tim Curry's "I'm So #^&*$ Lonely, I could die"

Show "Muslim Girls Gone Wild"

Play David Lee Roth's "Don't Mess With My Tootoot"

Play Bill Clinton playing the saxaphone

Send in Janet Reno to snuggle with him

Follow that with Madeline Albright

And then Helen Thomas

Make him stand in for Tony Snow at a White House press conference

Make him watch every second of "Napoleon Dynamite" until he breaks


Or we could just ask nicely and trust him to truthfully tells us what we need to know.

Oh Boo Hoo

It seems that the Dems are a little upset over a mini-series set to air on ABC about the events leading up to 9/11/01. The bone of contention appears to be that the producers intend to intersperse the drama (that's made up stuff for those in you of Melrose) with actual facts. [gasp, shudder, okay I'm over it]

Slick Willie and the rest of the DNC have called out the propaganda arm of the party and MSM is blasting ABC for daring to use truth when discussing the Clinton administration. It is understandable that they would be apoplectic over anything resembling the truth of his administration. I mean, they've worked so hard to revise history that they can't tolerate any cracks in the facade. Here are some facts as we know them:

1. Clinton was mired in a scandal and facing impeachment over his indelicacies with a chubby White House intern. (I know that I didn't have to put chubby but I did - I could have said fat)
2. In between oral copulations with said fat chick, Clinton got a call from Sudan (Melrose that's a country in Africa not a town in west Texas) offering to arrest Osama bin Laden and extradite him to the US to get him out of their country. SOMEBODY - Sandy Berger, Billy Boy, Monica (but I doubt it was her; her mouth was full), answered the phone and said nope, we don't want OBL, we've got an overweight ball licker right here.
3. Clinton became fixated with OBL and asked about him everyday, or so he and Berger say. That was smart to testify to that assertion before the 9/11 Commission because now it is a matter of Congressional record and is considered a fact. Even if they totally made it up.
4. Monica decided to have her dress mounted and hung on a wall in her new double-wide that Willie was going to buy her.
5. After OBL blows up the African embassies, Willie finds out what OBL really stands for and fondles Ms Willey.
6. Willie is waiting for all of this to blow over when Juanita Broderick calls and tells him that she's late. *wink, wink*
7. Willie decides to do something to appear to be involved and strong so he starts a bombing campaign in Yugoslavia and sends some ambassadors from San Francisco to change the country. We ended up with Bosnia and Hertzigovinia (sp). *NOTE: The ambassadors parlayed this into their own TV show called Queer Eye for the dictator.
8. Sandy Berger realizes that some of this might be recorded somewhere and goes to the national archives to see. While there he found a discarded Subway chicken teriyaki sandwich and stuffed it into his pants. Somehow, the sandwich had been wrapped in top secret documents verifying that Hillary is a lesbian.

These are just a few of the facts that Clinton doesn't want you to know.

DISCLAIMER: Dramatic License was taken with some of the information in this post to render it effective and accessible for its readers.

They're Not Just for Good Looks

I can't think of a comment on this that won't get me in trouble with the wife, Moneyspender.

Clouseau Heads Truancy Investigation

Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agency officials are now tackling the tough problem of college truancy. It seems that 11 Egyptian men bound for college in Montana, disappeared in New York City and no one has seen them in two weeks. Julie Meyers, the head of ICE has publicly stated that the men are not considered to "pose a criminal or terrorist threat" at this time. But they would like to talk to them. Just to have coffee and donuts because the men aren't a real threat. They're just truants.

Another ICE official theorized that the 11 men are probably visiting relatives or looking for jobs. Right. I'm sure that they've gone straight to the unemployment office so that they could find work. I'm betting that you won't be ordering a Big Mac from these guys anytime soon. The fact the all of the persons were men, between the ages of 17 and 22, Muslim, and that they disappeared in the nation's largest city minutes after arriving are not reasons for concern. That would be profiling. That would be wrong.

Maybe they can find work at an airlines, or a crop dusting service, or in a hospital, or at a water treatment plant. I hear that they are looking for Border Patrol agents, maybe they could find work there.

It appears that the French have loaned inspector Clouseau to ICE and he is scripting the press releases. I for one would love to hear the ICE chief come and say that there are 11 men from an Islamic country who came to this country on student visas and promptly disappeared. Until these men are found it should be assumed that they are terrorists and that they pose a grave threat to the people of the United States. That would be leading. That would be the right thing to do. That would be a miracle.

You're Too FAT!

Reuters has a three page article today on a crisis of obesity rendering x-rays and other medical imaging systems useless. The basis for this revelation is a search of radiology reports using the phrase, "...These images are limited due to body habitus." Translation: This person is so fat that Superman can't see inside.

The story goes on to describe how patients are sometimes too rotund to fit into an MRI machine. Have they tried Duralube? The infomercial that I saw said that it has the lowest coefficient of drag of any lubricant. Maybe they could stick the patient in a big bag and use a vacuum to suck out the air and compress their bodies like that thingy that can shrink a king size comforter into a bag the size of a dinner napkin.

A closer study of 200 of the records showed that the average patient was 239 lbs. That's 17.071 stones for our UK brethren. That doesn't seem like very much to me. Are the openings on these machines the size of a Jimmy Dean sausage? I suppose that height has an impact. I mean that if mini-me weighed 239 pounds he might be fairly round. But I bet he would still fit in the machines.

I read the article closer and saw that 0.15 percent of the over 5 million reports that were studied contained the 'you're a fat slob' excuse. Was this a typo? surely to rise to crisis status they meant 15 percent. Or at least .15 of all reports. But no, the number was right. Just over one tenth of one percent of the reports had the 'you need Jenny Craig' line.

Why is this a crisis? The report stated that the number of times the statement was found has doubled in the last few years. Could this be because more technicians are becoming familiar with it and using it more often? Or maybe it's because the technicians are too lazy fix their errors so they blame it on the patient's weight. Is this a conspiracy of the diet companies to get you to buy their products? I don't know. I'm going to have an ice cream cone and try to figure it out.

If Only Democrats Were in Charge

Yesterday Harold Dean screamed that the war in the mideast would never had happened if the Democrats were in charge. His reasoning was that we would have the moral authority of the Clinton administration had we not elected a nasty Republican. Here are some other little known facts about the state of the universe if the Democrats had been in charge for the last six years.

All White House interns would wear no stain navy blue dresses

Osama Bin Laden would have been Time's Man of the Year in 2005

Uday Hussein would have been hailed as a revolutionary motivator as Iraq won the world cup 2006 (or else)

Any person entering the country by any means would have been granted immediate citizenship

To make it easier to figure out who was and who wasn't a citizen, every person in the world would be granted American citizenship

Marvin the Martian would sue for discrimination because he's not from this world

The New York Times would set official foreign policy

The DailyKos would still make up stuff

Rush Limbaugh would be in jail for buying too much aspirin

Cindy Sheehan would be irrelevant

Okay, even more irrelevant

The levies in New Orleans would not have failed

Jenny Craig would be in charge of the White House kitchen

The birds would always sing, the sun would shine, and Bill Clinton would be UN Secretary General

Al Gore would be treasury chairman

Hillary...oh God, I can't even visualize that. Sorry

Child molesters would all receive mandatory 60 day sentences

Alan Combes would still have never won an argument with Sean Hannity

Larry King would wonder what it's like to ask tough questions

Pigs would fly

New Special Forces Technology

The London Daily Mail (hat tip drudge) has reported that British Special forces are testing new rigid strap-on wings to enable their troops to more stealthily drop into target areas. I've managed to get a picture of these wings in action. Expect them to become a standard part of airborne training in the next few years.

15 Items or Less

For the third day in a row, I managed to get behind a person with several special orders at my local fast food eatery drive through. I know that they were special orders because they shouted them out to the low fidelity speaker/microphone system that must have cost all of $2.99. After reviewing my week, I think that there should be a few rules to using a drive through. Here was my week.

Day 1 - I counted the cars in the drive through (four) and looked at the number of cars in the parking lot and estimated that the drive through would move faster than parking and going in. This is my normal procedure and my limit is five cars if the parking lot is half-full. Cars one and two moved pretty quick and I was congratulating myself when the third car didn't pull up to the cheap speaker right away. This brings me to rule #1 - If you don't know what you want, go inside. They have pretty menus with a lot of pictures that can help you make up your mind. Car #3 finally pulls up to the speaker and asks the order taker to hold on. I guess this was code language for the order taker to go clean the bathrooms or something because it was almost 5 minutes (one commercial break on the Dan Patrick show) before she came back to take the order. Finally we get the order in and car #3 moves on.

Now I figure that the best I can do is break even on time but there is now a car behind me that really likes his music. I know because he is trying to share it with everyone in this area code. That only makes it more difficult to talk to the $2.99 speaker. Car #4 pulls up and immediately starts ordering, GREAT! Oops, the order taker wasn't ready and we had to start over. Now the hard part begins. Apparently the Brady bunch and the Partridge Family were holding a reunion in the van in front of me. They must have all just received their allowances because they wanted to pay for all of the orders separately. Rule #2 - Pay for all of the orders at once and do the math later. I'm glad that Peter and Danny can figure out the change that they should be getting but don't do it in the drive through.

At last I get to order. I order my meal and proceed to the window as Cindy and Tracy get their orange drinks. All in all, 24 minutes and two gallons of gas for a $2.79 meal.

Day 2 - There are 5 cars in the drive through today but the parking lot is full and more cars all pulling in. What is the deal? Is Taco Bell out of cheese? I cut off the Toyota with the kid talking on his cell phone and become #6 in line. It's slow going because it is so busy but that's understandable. Then a crew-cab truck with four construction workers decides that they need to order more once they get to the pay window. Rule #3 - You only get one shot at ordering in the drive through. If you forget something, go to the end of the line. Or better yet, go inside. Finally I get to the cheap speaker thingy and order my double cheeseburger value meal, regular sized, coke with no ice. Rule #4 - whenever possible, order the same thing every time you go to the same restaurant. Your body will thank you for your consistency and digest it because it knows what to expect. The workers will thank you because they know you are dependable. And it speeds up the drive through because you don't have to make any time consuming decisions. Today's drive through time, 22 minutes. About what I would have spent inside but I again lost out on the gas that I used.

Day 3 - As I pull into the parking lot, there is one car in the drive through, the parking lot is 1/3 full and one car is backing out. YES! As I wait for the driver of the car backing out to figure out which pedal is the brake and which one is the accelerator, a van pulls into the drive through ahead of me. As I finally get into the drive through lane, I notice that the van belongs to the Brady/Partridge clans. Nooooo! They set a new record for drive through futility. They manage to break all of the known rules and a few new ones. Apparently, they didn't like what they ordered two days ago and everyone in the van has to try something different. Then one of the young kids, Christopher or Bobby, decided that he doesn't like pickles. I understand the whole "Have it your way" thing but C'mon. Save that for inside orders. Jan, Marcia, and Laurie couldn't decide if they wanted broiled chicken sandwiches or salads and Shirley and Carol didn't seem to care that I was going to need a tanker truck soon. Finally everyone had ordered and they moved to the pickup window. They only had one window open because there were only 3 cars in line. I ordered my usual but detected a slight hesitation from the order taker girl. Uh Oh, new worker alert! Sure enough, as I pulled up to the window, I saw her trainer reaching over her shoulder to point out the buttons on the register to push as she was talking to her boyfriend on her cell phone. They must have made a mistake because they had to wait on the manager to reset the register. Rule #5 - New people should never work the drive through. Then Keith, Danny, Greg, and Peter decided that they wanted shakes. This really confused the new girl and of course everyone had to pay separately.

Finally, 21 minutes later, I got my order and left the drive through. They should post these rules in the parking lot of every fast-food restaurant in the country. Like the grocery store, 15 items or less please. That brings up Rule #6 - Do not have sharp objects within reach as you go through the drive through. Now please excuse me, I'm on the way to the hospital to get this pen out of my eye.

If only...

This just in to Neo Con Eagles Wings. We have received transcripts of the telephone conversation between Presidents Bush and Fox about the border troops. We reprint them here for your information.

Un-named minion: Mr. President, you have a call on line two.

GWB: Who is it?

Minion: I think that it is that guy from Mexico again.

GWB: Ola Vickie

EPVFDQ: Jorge, this is El Presidente Vincente Fox Quesada.

GWB: What can I do for you?

EPVFQ: What’s this that I hear you are staging troops on the border?

GWB: Who told you that? Have you been talking to Nancy Pelosi again?

EPVFQ: No, but have you ever noticed that she kind of has a monkey face? It makes me want to punch her.

GWB: I know. Look Vickie, don’t worry about the troops.

EPVFQ: Do you know what will happen to my economy if you stop the peoples from crossing the border to send their money back here. You will ruin me. I protest.

GWB: Uh Vickie, do you remember where I’m from?

EPVFQ: Yeah. Tejas.

GWB: It's Texas partner. Do you remember that we kicked your butt in 1836?

EPVFQ: That was just luck. Santa Anna made a mistake and Sam Houston got lucky.

GWB: Right, whatever. Do you know what country that I’m president of?

EPVFQ: [sigh] Si` Jorge

GWB: You know that we kicked your butt again in 1848 and your country ceded over all of the area from Texas to California to the United States in the Guadalupe-Hildago Treaty?

EPVFQ: So? What does that have to do with the troops on the border?

GWB: Vickie, I’m not at all concerned with your protest. As of now, the border from Brownsville to Chula Vista is now closed. You had better get ready for your own immigration problem because we are starting a massive search for all illegals and we are sending them home starting tomorrow. An unsecured border is a threat to my nation’s security and I’m going to fix it right now. Oh, and one more thing amigo.

EPVFQ: What's that Jorge?

GWB: Dick wants to know if you can go quail hunting next week?