Lay Down and be Buried Already

Foxnews had a story today about a Malaysian man that the state declared dead 4 1/2 years ago that is still upright and breathing very well thank you. Bureaucracy at its finest. But the story got me to thinking, how many more people out there are walking around that don't know that they are dead. I've composed a short list of the top ten likely candidates.

10. Keith Richards - Keith actually died about 10 years ago but his body is so medicated that it may take another 20 years for it to stop functioning.

9. James Carville - I know that his body puts up a good front with his energetic appearances on TV. But if you look closely you can see that he is actually just a skeleton covered with skin.

8. Keith Olbermann - If you examine the currency of his ideas, Olbermann's brain stopped functioning shortly after he left ESPN. It's just a matter of time until the rest of the body gives up the fight. Sad.

7. Larry King - Another example of a dead ideology. His 1980's wardrobe suggests that Larry may have kicked the bucket a right after Mork and Mindy went off of the air.

6. Michael Moore - I'm not sure when Moore died. Excess deposits of energy are sufficient to sustain the appearance of life for 15-20 years or more. Main deposits appear to be around the waist and between the ears. We can probably expect 3-4 more movies with no basis in fact.

5. Dan Rather - Dan died a very public death at CBS. The hiring of a "perky" host suggests that the bigs at the tiffany network thought that Dan was dead long before he was moved out. It looked like he had been resuscitated at 60 minutes II but he died there too. He now has a rare opportunity to die again at HDNet.

4. John Murtha - The ex-Marine died shortly after his Viet Nam service. He has now been possessed and inhabited by an idiotic slave to the Democratic Party. It may take an exorcism for the body to give up its ghost.

3. Nancy Pelosi - Nancy died some time ago on a plastic surgeon's operating table. He tried to cover up his malfeasance by surgically forcing her eyes to stay open. Unfortunately this does not prevent her ideas from sounding like they were the final words of a dying zombie.

2. Al Gore - Gore is technically not dead yet. Global warming has caused selected parts, primarily cognitive, of Al's brain to die. His political career died in Dade County, Florida in 2000. It's just a matter of time for the rest of the brain to die and the body to soon follow suit.

1. Helen Thomas - Helen's relevancy died decades ago and it appears that decomposition has set in. Minions follow her around with a lily and a soft pillow.

There you go. Are there more?

But Dude, I’ve Got A Note From My Doctor!

It seems that there is an uproar at San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf. There’s a medical marijuana dispensary going in and some of the other businesses don’t like it. It sounds like a classy joint – the place that is, not the product. It’s going to have black walls, cool lights, jazz music and 55 varieties of dope...uhmm...grass...aahh...weed, I mean medicine, displayed in a glass case displayed under green neon lights.

That sounds like a pretty cool place but I did have a few questions:

Do they grow their own or do they buy the 55 varieties?

Where do they buy it?

Can they import from Alaska and Hawaii?

I hear that some of the weed is confiscated from drug busts. Can they verify the authenticity?

If smoking is allowed on the premises, can you BYOB (bring your own bong)?

Will a note from Debbie Frisch work?

Is she a customer?

Does this explain why the Golden State Warriors stink?

Does Gray Davis work here?

Can we get Howard Dean an appointment to mellow him out?

Is there anyone at all in San Francisco with any morals?

I didn’t think so.

Terrorists Who Suck

I haven't posted an update to Terrorists Who Suck in a while. These posts are reserved for those who are the Wylie Coyotes of the terrorist world. They are too stupid to even do basic terrorist stuff. So, the latest update from the bottom of the gene pool, it looks like Moe and Curly Howard and Larry Fine have been reincarnated in Iraq. It looks like we also got Uncle Charley and My Three Sons rolled up too.


Title:
ONE TERRORIST KILLED, TWO WOUNDED TRYING TO PLACE AN IED; CF FIND WEAPONS CACHE
Release Date:
7/8/2006
Release Number:
06-07-08PF
Description:
Multi-National Corps – Iraq
Press Release
Public Affairs Office, Camp Victory
APO AE 09342


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
RELEASE No. 20060708-09
July 8, 2006

1 terrorist killed, 2 wounded trying to place an IED; CF find weapons cache

AL YUSUFIYAH, Iraq – One terrorist was killed and two were wounded when the improvised-explosive device they were trying to emplace detonated near Al Yusufiyah Wednesday afternoon.
Following a search of the area nearby, Iraqi army soldiers from 4th Battalion, 4th Brigade, 6th Iraqi Army Division, found the two wounded terrorists at a sheik’s house and offered to medically evacuate them to their patrol base.
One of the terrorists fled the scene.
Iraqi authorities detained the other wounded man after he was provided medical attention. Also detained were the sheik and his three sons, who were receiving suspicious phone calls.
While searching the house, Multi-National Division – Baghdad Soldiers from Company D, 1st Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, discovered a weapons cache consisting of five rocket-propelled grenade launchers, five anti-personnel mines, four RPG rounds, three 60mm mortar rounds and two cans of .50 caliber rounds.

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FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS RELEASE, CONTACT THE MULTI-NATIONAL DIVISION - BAGHDAD PUBLIC AFFAIRS NCO IN CHARGE, MASTER SGT. ERIC LOBSINGER AT: eric.lobsinger@mnd-b.army.mil, COMMERCIAL: (914) 822-8174 OR IRAQNA 011-964-790-192-4675.